Tag: children

Life Lately

julieannetaylor

I am home sick from work today. I HATE missing work, but I just finally had to admit that I needed to be home in bed so that my body could finally fight off this “ick” I’ve been dealing with for over a week. Besides getting the rest I need, the other positive is that I have time to sit and reflect on the past few months…and write! This year has been so full of so many milestones and memories. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude as I sit and think about all that has happened in the past few months.

Our family has created big memories, and little ones that are just as meaningful over the last several months. The biggest of these was Caroline and Zach’s wedding in August. The days of summer were filled with checklists, planning dates and maybe a few mini breakdowns. Caroline (Carty) and I spent so many hours talking about every little detail. I loved those moments – even when we thought there was no way we would get it all accomplished. Saturday, August 9th was the day! The skies were blue, the sun was hot, and all of our plans came together just as we had prepared for. I did my very best to “be present” in each moment and not get caught up in all the busyness. I am proud to say that I really feel like I was able to soak in all of the joy that came with watching my baby girl walk down the aisle. Our family all gathered and celebrated the bride and groom with so many smiles and LOTS of dancing. It was truly the most fun reception ever!

My baby girl was radiant, the whole venue with filled with so much love, and the memories of that special day will live with me forever.

In October, we celebrated again – but this time it was Halloween – with Parker. I’ve never been a huge fan of Halloween or Trick -or- Treating, but watching my grandson Parker excited beyond words for the evening really did change my perspective! Parker has been on a Spiderman kick for several months, so it was a foregone conclusion that he would be rocking the red costume and mask for the big night. I made a big pot of chili (the weather was perfect for the time of year – a little chill and clear skies) and the kids brought little man to our neighborhood to collect all the candy! Parker was so excited to be all dressed up as his favorite super hero and ran from house to house. After he couldn’t go any longer, we gathered at the table and shared a meal together. It was one of those nights that I had always imagined we would have once my kids were grown and grandbabies came along – except the reality was even better than I knew to dream.

So many other big and small moments fill my heart with thankfulness…my niece Courtney got married in a beautiful ceremony, Zach and I celebrated our birthdays in our annual Bengals game day, Chris and I spent an amazing weekend in OTR for my birthday, and we showered Katie and Zach in anticipation of baby girl who will be here very soon! Not to mention simple family dinners, thrifting trips, and family movies.

I honestly could go on and on about all of the amazing moments in life lately. I feel so thankful for this beautiful chaos that is my world. And while no life is ever perfect – and yes, this is just a highlight reel – these little (and big) moments are what I choose to focus on. Life is hard, and gets to be so overwhelming at times. Worry and anxiety often plague me and I tend to focus on all of the scary things…but here’s the thing…there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for…so for now, I will focus on those things and cherish every moment – big or small.

These Small Hours

julieannetaylor

Our family has experienced so many milestones in the past 6 months! From graduations to new homes to new jobs and marriages. There have been so many blessings! One big blessing that I have been praying for over the last several years is Zach, Katie and Parker moving closer to home! This past May they bought their first house and moved their little family from Columbus to Hamilton. Now, instead of being two hours away, they are less than 15 minutes. This has meant lots of pool time with Parker and his parents, and it also brought about Family Dinners! It has always been my dream to have family dinners with all ten of us every Sunday! I love planning and preparing the meal and having everyone come together before we all start the busy week ahead.

Tonight we all gathered at our house for a Mississippi pot roast, mashed potatoes, sweet corn, a fresh baguette, and warm apple crisp with ice cream! As we sat out on the patio enjoying this perfect evening, my heart was so full. I surprised everyone at the table with some question cards that everyone had to answer. Just to spur conversation. To put the phones down and talk. The question was “Which characteristic from someone in your family would you like to have?” Initially, no one jumped in to answer…and I thought my idea might be a flop. But, eventually each person went around the table and named a characteristic from someone else around the table that they wished they had in themselves. There was such beauty in everyone’s responses. Things that we shared – by being “forced” – were things that we most likely never would have taken the time to say to one another in a normal interaction. But hearing the kind words from each other was so touching. Watching my family’s faces light up when someone else pointed out one of their amazing qualities made me realize how important this silly little card was. And how important these weekly family dinners are to me. And to my family.

Last night Chris and I saw Rob Thomas in concert and he sang “Little Wonders,” which of course made me cry. And sitting here tonight after such a beautiful evening with my whole crew I hear the line from that song:

Our lives are made in these small hours, these little wonders, these twist and turns of fate. Time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain.”

These small hours tonight meant the absolute world to me. These people who sat around my table are my little wonders.

It’s the every day things

julieannetaylor

Today I spent some time with my grown children. It was not a special occasion. Not a family dinner. Just a normal, summer day that turned into time together. My son, Zach has lived in Columbus for the last eight years – so we have not spent a lot of time together. Recently he and his wife and my grandson moved to the area! This move has been something I have been praying for – a lot. When they first arrived we had family dinners and lots of family celebrations (graduation, birthdays, showers) spent together. I love all of that time. But today was different. I had spent the morning in my daughter’s future classroom helping her set up for her first year of teaching. We have spent a lot of hours in her Kindergarten room together. My son called and said he and Parker (my grandson) were out and about running errands. The four of us made plans to meet for lunch. While sitting in Chipotle, it just hit me. THESE are the moments that I truly cherish. Sharing a meal and talking with my grown children is the absolute best. We then headed to Costco just to pick up a few groceries…again, nothing earth-shattering. Just a normal day doing normal things together. It may sound peculiar that this run-of-the-mill day brought me so much joy, but I got home feeling so content and happy. I love sharing these moments with my grown children. Watching them live their amazing lives fills me with so much pride. I’m so grateful to be called momma by them! I’m so grateful to have played a part in their world – and so grateful that I am still such a big part of their world! Happiness and contentment does not have to be found in the “big” momentous moments…happiness can be found in the every day things!

Here’s my “it’s been a long time since I blogged” disclaimer. Yes – it’s been too long – and I have SO much to share! Stick around for the updates – good, bad, and ugly! Thanks for reading!

Sweet Caroline

julieannetaylor

My girl has had a BIG month. She finished her student teaching! Landed a long-term sub for the second part of the school year. Graduated from Miami University – love and honor – with her Bachelor’s Degree in Education. And yesterday she got engaged! Watching her sail gracefully through all of these milestones has been incredible. My heart is full of so much pride and happiness for her. I do my best to tell her often how proud I am, but I don’t think that she truly grasps the depths of my love and pride.

Caroline – Carty to most people who know her – has always been filled with grit and spunk. She is feisty and tenacious but also has a huge heart for her friends and family. She has always faced life with great determination. When she was in middle school, she began having a lot of pain in her hips. To compensate for that pain, her feet turned in and she ran and walked in the most unnatural way. But she kept going. After countless specialists and six months of constant pain, we finally were told that she had a torn labrum in her hip that would require surgery. She faced it head on. The recovery included a lot of painful physical therapy and during this time she had to learn to sit on the sidelines. Not playing sports like she always had was a challenge for her. But she endured. She set the goal for herself to be back for soccer her freshman year of high school. I loved her initiative, but I was worried she would end up disappointed…especially when she told me that her goal was to make the Varsity squad, as a freshman, coming off this major surgery. I tried to “guide” her expectations, without squelching them. That young lady worked her tail off, while still recovering, and she did it!

This is just one example of her strength and perseverance. And there are so many more. So am I surprised that she was so amazing in college? Not one bit. She worked a full time job while taking a full load each semester. She went into a classroom of 21 kindergartners and shined! And now she’s a college graduate!

Watching her bloom and grow is one of the greatest joys of my life. We had a surprise party to celebrate her engagement to Zach last night. Surrounded by friends (a lot of friends) and family, I just sat back and watched her glow! I am beyond excited for this next chapter in her life. Finding a full time teaching job, planning a wedding, and becoming a wife! Through all of these exciting milestones, I hope that she realizes how proud we all are of her!

Congratulations, Sweet Caroline!

So much more

julieannetaylor

It’s spring time again, and for school, that means another year of state testing for my students. In the past, I would have been filled with anxiety – hoping that I had done enough to prepare my students to perform on the standardized tests that they are subjected to each school year. After years of worrying about the scores that come from one (or two) days of tests that truly only provide a moment in time snapshot, I am no longer worried. These scores are not at all a reflection of who my students are, or what kind of teacher I am. A rating of proficient or better is only a label placed on each of my students that is solely based on how well they can navigate the passages and questions on one test. But these numbers are not who my students are. These score reports do not even come close to describing my students. My students are readers, and artists. They are dreamers and athletes. My students are comedians and tricksters. These children energize me and teach me. They make me laugh, and some days they make me cry.

This year, we have become a family. We have created a classroom community and have formed bonds through books and stories and lessons. We have made memories in the little moments. We have become writers. My students and all that they are could never be defined by one number. They amaze me everyday with their resilience and persistence. When things get tough, they repeat back to me our classroom mantra – “We CAN do hard things.”

Now, I have to be completely authentic here and add that not every day is sunshine and rainbows where they all listen to directions the first time and always follow expectations. We have had our days where lessons flop, arguments abound, and behaviors get the best of us. But we are a family in room 214, and family sticks together.

So tomorrow, my students will arrive bright and early, ready to tackle this test, knowing that they CAN – but also knowing that in my eyes, they are so much more than a test score.

You might have to look for it

julieannetaylor

Just this morning, I wrote a blog post about enjoying joy. About appreciating the joy that is to be found around us in our lives. A few hours later I was sitting on the floor of my laundry room overwhelmed to the point of tears. Not tears of joy. These were tears of a momma who was teetering on the edge of hopelessness. Mommin’ ain’t easy. Somedays it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

So there I sat in the floor of my laundry room, surrounded by mountains of clothes (six people create a lot of dirty laundry) feeling like a big fat fraud. Where was my joy now? Didn’t I just post about how joyful life is and how all you have to do is look and find the joy? Now, to be totally transparent, I wasn’t crying about how much laundry I had to do. No, this was not about that. I will not share the details of what caused my meltdown – not because I am trying to hide my “ugly” – but out of respect for the privacy of others involved in the situation. And the situation is not really the point anyway.

The point is about joy. There are some moments where I am not naturally, organically overwhelmed with life’s joy. But that does not mean that it is not present. What it truly means is that I have lost my sight of it, while choosing to focus on the yucky stuff. My perspective shifted from being thankful for all of the good stuff, to wallowing in the muck that threatens to steal my joy. But here’s the thing….I am not at all saying that life should be rosy and rainbows every single day. I know that fact all too well. I think what I am trying to say (I’m discovering it as I type) is that even though life feels like a mess sometimes, and we as humans can feel way too caught up in the chaos, we don’t have to unpack and stay there. We can shift our perspective and choose to be happy in our circumstances. No, we don’t “fake it” and just act like everything is okay so that our friends and neighbors don’t judge us. No, we don’t bury our heads in the sand and not deal with the hard stuff because we want to dance around the house like a Disney princess. We face things, we learn to cope with things, we grow from things – all while we focus our eyes on the good stuff that we can hold on to.

I guess what all of my rambling here really means is that when you find yourself sitting on your laundry room floor crying and feeling like you just might drown – its okay. You are not alone! Just don’t camp out there too long because you might miss out on the goodness that there is out there for you!

It’s okay

julieannetaylor

IMG_2517When I decided to create a blog to share my writing, I promised myself that I would always do my best to be genuine with my words. Authenticity is a non-negotiable for this whole process for me. I don’t think it’s real to share just the happy highlights and keep the ugliness all to myself. Sharing a skewed view of my world seems like such a fraud and that’s not at all who or what I want to be. So…here we go. Yesterday morning I wrote about joy and how its not based on circumstances but rather it comes from God and its constant and a whole bunch of other thoughts that I do believe to be truth!

Last night by dinner time, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I am not using that phrase flippantly either. I was panicked, tight-chested, breathing heavy, sobbing, and shaking.  Swollen, puffy eyed, snot slinging, ugly crying. I had spent the entire evening worrying about anything and everything and had come up with the absolute worst-case scenario for each member of my family and myself. Yes, I was extreme catastrophizing. Where was my joy? Who was I to even create a post about being joyful in all of life? These questions led me to feeling even worse about myself…which led to more tears and feeling awful about myself. Why is this whole situation so hard for me? Why can’t I just do better, be better, live better? And the cycle continued….questions, self-loathing, tears.

This morning my perspective is a little brighter. Actually, my perspective is a little more rational. This morning, after a decent night’s sleep, two cups of strong coffee, and some allergy medicine, my thoughts are a little more clear, my emotions are a little more calm (it’s all relative), and heart is not quite so heavy. I thought back to the words my therapist spoke to me this week in our “virtual” session when I told him that I just don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job balancing everything. He asked me this question; “Have you ever done this before? Have you ever been quarantined indefinitely for a worldwide pandemic where you had to teach remotely and help your school aged kids with their schoolwork and help all five of your children navigate the fears and worries of this new normal?”  

*crickets

When I say that I hate when he goes all Jedi-mind tricks on me, I really don’t hate it because it forces me to answer the question that he and I both already know the answer to. Point made.

No, I have never done this before. No, I should not have it all together effortlessly. Yes, I should slow down, take a deep breath and allow myself some grace. Yes, we will all be okay if the school work is late, the dishes are dirty and we are wearing three-day old jammies. Today, in this moment, I am a MESS.  I do not “feel” joyful. I am bitter and angry that life is so hard right now. I am wallowing in self-pity in my unwashed, messy bunned hair. I will not stay here. I will seek my center, begin to balance and claim my calm. But for now, it’s okay.

It’s okay.

Choose your hard

julieannetaylor

I have a sign that hangs in my office/craft room/hideout. That sign reads “Choose your hard.” It’s a reminder to me as I try (once again) to lose weight and get myself in shape. I saw a saying once that said “Working out is hard. Being overweight is hard. Choose your hard.” That stuck with me and I thought it was a great way to think about it. But as a grow and work on myself I am learning that not everything that I’ve thought of as hard is truly hard. What I’m learning is that most of the time, things are uncomfortable, not hard. Climbing Mt. Everest…hard. Advanced Calculus…hard. Brain surgery…hard. But many of the things we say are hard to us are really just uncomfortable.

Think about it. How many times have you heard “relationships are hard”? No….not really. Relationships can be uncomfortable, but not necessarily hard. As I work through so much of the “stuff” from my past I hear myself saying over and over – “it’s just too hard.” In all honesty though, it’s just really uncomfortable to face the ugly things that I’ve kept buried so long. And none of us really like to be uncomfortable. Having conversations with people about the things that matter is really uncomfortable at times – but not hard. The craziness of raising 5 kids, chaotic schedules, outbursts, teenage hormones, undecided paths, sleep deprivation, worry, anxiety, endless laundry….ask a tired mom. It all feels so hard. But in all reality, everything that goes along with parenting is just really uncomfortable. It’s not hard to raise our kids because we love them so much and want the best for them in every way. But there are certainly many moments of “uncomfortable.”

So the sign that hangs over my desk will be changed very soon to reflect this new mindset I am working toward. Changing the way I think about the world around me will be a drastic change, and it will be uncomfortable, but it won’t be hard.

Milestones

julieannetaylor

stepping stonesAs a new parent, I remember being so excited for each of my children’s milestones; crawling, walking, talking, first tooth, etc. I couldn’t wait for them to reach each of them, and then to move on to the next “big” event. I would mark each of these glorious days in their baby book and swear I would remember them forever. As they got older, they still continued to reach new ones, but they didn’t seem to capture as much attention as when they were babies. Maybe that’s because life just got so busy that I didn’t take the time to fully appreciate them as I should have. What I wouldn’t do to have some of that precious time back to just slow down and enjoy each moment for its true worth. I feel like I almost wished their childhood away by saying things like “I can’t wait until they walk…I can’t wait until her first day of school…”. 

This past year has been full of milestones for both of my “big” kids. Zach finished his junior year at Otterbein University. And instead of coming home for the summer, he moved into his first apartment in Columbus (which is now home to him). For the first time in 21 years, my son does not live with me. It’s left so an odd emptiness in our house and in my heart. Carty played her last soccer game ever, attended her last prom, graduated from high school, and is at her college orientation as I type this! She is no longer a child. She is embarking on her life after school. So many milestones for her this year. As I left her at orientation (why the heck were parents not allowed?) she got out of the car and told me to drive away before she walked in. I got a big smile on my face because I knew that she knew that I was going to snap a picture of her heading straight into her next milestone. I did as she asked and drove away without a picture on my phone. But I did pause to capture the image in my mind and saved it to my heart. (Jeez that sounds so cheesy – honest but cheesy). 

Why did it all happen so fast? That sounds so cliche…but wow is it so true. I can remember so many people telling me that it would. But in those busy times of practices and homework and laundry, at times it felt like it would never end. So here I sit, tears streaming down my face, wishing that I had paid more attention along the way. Somehow, all of a sudden, my babies are grown. They are moving on to their own lives. Yes, I will always and forever be their momma…but things will never be the same. I’m sad that they are not babies anymore, but I know that there will continue to be more events that we will share. We will learn to navigate this new normal. And I will cherish each new milestone that comes along. 

*(I’m sorry (not sorry) for the emotional messiness of this post. Writing is my way to process and take time to feel what I’m really feeling. And also just to ramble a little bit.)