Tag: blogging

Facing the quiet

julieannetaylor

The house is so quiet today. School is out until January 7th. All the presents have been bought and wrapped. The house is clean (ish). Laundry done. Dishes done. I am having a hard time just being still today. I told myself last night that today was going to be a rest day because the last two weeks have been nonstop and I just feel exhausted. And when I woke up this morning I was excited about the prospect of having nothing that had to get done, and nowhere to be. But here I sit, it’s not even noon yet, and I am struggling with the nothingness. I am having a hard time with the rest. That shouldn’t be a bad thing…that I need to be busy…but as I sit and ponder the real reason, I think it is a bit troublesome.

The lack of noise and busyness today is forcing me to be alone with my thoughts and with my emotions. I have a lot of time to reflect on the year that has gone, and anticipate the one that lies ahead. When life is busy and chaos is all around, I am not forced to be alone with my thoughts. It just becomes easier to avoid the voice inside and to deal with all of the stuff that requires attention.

This past year has been filled with so many blessings and I find it hard to believe all of the moments and memories I got to experience. As I look through all of my pictures and journal posts I am overwhelmed with the life I led in 2024. There were so many firsts in my life this year. My first time in Paris. Our first vacation with ALL of us. My first time kayaking…in the Pacific Northwest. Parker’s first sleepover with Mimi and Pap. My first girls’ trip with my friends. And so many other little moments that were true blessings. SO many highlights. I have so many things to be thankful for in this life. But the year was not all highlights. There were some really hard times. Some challenges that I never dreamed we would face. But still in it all, I have so much to be thankful for. Trying to remember all of it today as I process all of the memories of the year.

This time of year is so hard for me. For some reason it always has been. This is a very unpopular opinion, but Christmas is just not “the most wonderful time of the year” for me (and many others). Today I am trying not to let myself slip into the sadness that slowly tries to envelope me. The quiet, stillness of the day is making that a challenge. Facing the sadness – when I’m supposed to be happy – is not really what I want to do today, but I know that it really is an exercise in wellness…to acknowledge the feelings and to process them. So…what do I do in the quiet moments. Find joy. Find the things that bring me joy and remind me of what fuels me. One of those things is writing. Writing to process. Writing to heal. Writing to feel joy.

When I opened up my blog site to do that very thing, I was hit with the fact that my last blog post was over 10 months ago! I am sad and embarrassed by that fact. Writing and sharing is a big part of who I am – and I have lost that for nearly a year. I think back to all of the things that I could have shared over the past year, and yet I didn’t. I guess I need to figure out the why in that today. Looking back through all of my blog posts, it seems that I have several out there that start with “It’s been a long time since my last post…” or something to that effect. I’m trying to give myself grace and not be too hard on myself. Trying. I think that sometimes I am afraid to write about the reality of my world. Sometimes, even though I know it would be therapeutic, I don’t share because it’s hard. It’s not pretty. It’s scary to think of being judged. But I have always aimed for this blog to be authentically me. I want to be real and write about real things – for myself. So here we go. I am going to resolve to share ALL of the things over the next year. And maybe even look back on 2024 and share the good and the bad. And in the meantime, I am going to practice being still.

Thanks for letting me ramble and reclaim some of the joy that writing brings me. Much love.

Finding my Voice…again

julieannetaylor

It’s been almost a year since my last post on this blog. I’m honestly not sure why it has been so long since I sat down to write. Part of it is probably just that life is so busy…but that’s really a lousy excuse when I really think about it. Life is busy, but we make time for our priorities or for the things that bring us joy. Maybe it’s just the doubts and insecurities have taken over and I think “Nobody really cares about what I have to say.” But, I never really intended to write things for other people, but rather I always wrote for myself – to reflect on this crazy life and to process all the things that happen on a day to day basis. Perhaps the real reason that I haven’t taken the time to blog is just that it’s hard. The last year of life has been hard and I have been having an incredibly hard time understanding the “whys” of life. One of the last blog posts I wrote was shortly after my brother died. It was one of the hardest posts that I have ever written and I remember agonizing about finding the words to express my feelings and to honor him and his life that was cut way too short. Writing has always come so easy for me, but capturing the loss of my brother and sharing that pain in such a raw way was a huge challenge, but also something I truly felt I had to do.

We had dinner with some friends tonight and the wife asked me if I had been blogging lately, because she hadn’t remembered seeing anything I had written. She spoke about how beautiful my blog after my brother’s passing was and how it really touched her. Her words meant so much to me and it made me realize that I truly have missed this platform to share my thoughts. My brother was always so encouraging and supportive of my blog. Often I struggle with the doubts of sharing my writing because I really don’t think that any thoughts or feelings I have are worthy of putting them out there. And so, as we drove home from dinner I thought about all of it and although I felt the urge to sit down and write, I also felt a big emptiness knowing that my brother is not around to read my words. Even typing that just now, it feels weird to have that thought. But that is what is on my heart and mind. I think if I am really honest with myself, I believe there is a bit of guilt in that I get to go on and do the things that I have always done – the things that bring me joy – and he doesn’t. He doesn’t get to sit and paint, or play his guitar and sing his favorite songs.

But…I know that he would want the rest of us left behind to experience all the joy that life has to give…to go on living and loving. And so, I am going to do that. I am going to find my voice again and write what is on my heart as often as I can. Not for the views. Not for the follows. Perhaps not even for myself. I’m going to write again for my brother. I hope that finding my voice again and seeking joy in the little things will make him proud of me. I hope you come along for the ride.

Much love

J

“Honor your impact”

julieannetaylor

It has been a long time since I have taken the time to write. It’s so strange to me that I rarely do it anymore, yet it’s one of the things in life that truly brings me joy. I have had so many things to write about and share with the world. I have even sat down at the computer and attempted to write. But something has been holding me back. Even as I sit here in the cool of the evening, listening to my favorite music, I am fighting the urge to just close the laptop and keep it all inside.

I have been soul-searching, trying to uncover my aversion to writing lately. There is a lot going on in my world right now…some really heavy stuff…that I am just not able to share. Part of me feels like if I just write about other things that I am not being authentic and I do not ever want to be that. So I will continue to process all of the hard stuff until I am at a healthy place where I can share. But for now, I am going to share what I can, as authentically as I can…because this just feels good.

But I alone cannot take credit for this breakthrough. I am reading a book by Jimmy Casas titled “Culturize” that stopped me in my tracks today. Casas was talking about his school experience with writing, and how he never believe he was or could be a good writer. He offered several pieces of advice where writing is concerned, and these three hit me right in my heart.

  • “It only takes one person to relate to your story. Honor your impact.”
  • “Embrace your vulnerability. Give of yourself and don’t be afraid to share your story.”
  • Write for you. Reflection is powerful and necessary for individual growth.”

The last few times I blogged, months ago, I allowed myself to fall down the rabbit hole of statistics. I checked them over and over and found that my words had not reached a very big audience at all. Very few people had read what I felt I had poured my heart and soul into. I got lost in the numbers. But that is not why I write. I write for me. I write to process and to reflect and to understand. But…what if one of those few people who took the time to read those words related to my story? I may never know if my words may be impactful to someone else. But I know for certain they won’t if I never write them.

So I am going to allow myself to be vulnerable. I’m going to embrace it and allow it to help me grow. I am going to remember why I started writing in the first place and I am going to continue to share my story…the good, the hard, the messy, and the joy.

I knew that this book that I am reading with our Building Leadership Team was going to be powerful as we strive to be school leaders and change the culture of our school. I knew it would help me in my journey to truly impact my students and my colleagues. But as I sat here tonight and dug into it, I truly didn’t expect it to reignite this fire in me to share my story. I’m so thankful it did!

Much love…

J