Lately I have found myself in a dry season spiritually. I have felt lost at times and very far from God. The close, dependent relationship I used to have with my heavenly Father – the one where we talked daily and where I worried less and relied more – that is not currently where I’m at. I know that life is about ebbs and flows – and in all relationships there are periods of closeness and periods of distance. But I am NOT okay with where I am at in my relationship with God.
And I have felt like this for a while…I have been so torn and missing God in my life. I miss walking with him daily and seeking his wisdom. I miss digging into the word and studying and learning. I have prayed and prayed to God. I pray to be as close to Him as I once was. I ask Him to change my heart – to convict it and to make me whole again…because I fully believe that He is capable of anything. But over the course of the last year or so, nothing has changed. Nothing. I’m not any closer to where I want to be or to where I believe God wants me to be. I’ve cried out to Him. I’ve yelled at Him. I’ve tried to convince myself that IF He loved me that He would fix this. I’ve wondered if I had finally used up all of the grace He felt I deserved. My soul is weary.
So I’ve been doing some serious soul-searching. I cannot be mad at God. God has not moved…I have been the one running away. And even as I have tried to turn around and get back to God, I think that I’ve been expecting HIM to run to ME! His love for me is never-ending and relentless. And yes – He would chase me down and save me….but some of that is on me. My heart’s desire to be close to Him and to rely on Him in my daily walk. But, as I’ve asked for this closeness, I haven’t done the things I need to do to make any of it happen. I don’t have to earn God’s love or His grace….BUT that doesn’t mean that I don’t have to put forth the effort to work on our relationship. I believe that during this period God has been teaching me to pursue Him. He knows what I need more than anyone. He has been waiting for me to desire Him so deeply that I make the effort to chase HIM down.
I’m so thankful for the clarity that God has given me…and for the desire to seek him in all that I do. I’m so thankful for my God – who would “leave the 99 to find this ONE” – to find me. When I used to lead worship, one of my favorite songs went like this “There’s no place I’d rather be….than here in your love….Set a fire down in my soul, that I can’t contain, that I can’t control…I want more of you, God…” That fire is stirring in my soul and I am going to make the effort, take the step and run after Him with all of my being!