Facing the quiet

The house is so quiet today. School is out until January 7th. All the presents have been bought and wrapped. The house is clean (ish). Laundry done. Dishes done. I am having a hard time just being still today. I told myself last night that today was going to be a rest day because the last two weeks have been nonstop and I just feel exhausted. And when I woke up this morning I was excited about the prospect of having nothing that had to get done, and nowhere to be. But here I sit, it’s not even noon yet, and I am struggling with the nothingness. I am having a hard time with the rest. That shouldn’t be a bad thing…that I need to be busy…but as I sit and ponder the real reason, I think it is a bit troublesome.

The lack of noise and busyness today is forcing me to be alone with my thoughts and with my emotions. I have a lot of time to reflect on the year that has gone, and anticipate the one that lies ahead. When life is busy and chaos is all around, I am not forced to be alone with my thoughts. It just becomes easier to avoid the voice inside and to deal with all of the stuff that requires attention.

This past year has been filled with so many blessings and I find it hard to believe all of the moments and memories I got to experience. As I look through all of my pictures and journal posts I am overwhelmed with the life I led in 2024. There were so many firsts in my life this year. My first time in Paris. Our first vacation with ALL of us. My first time kayaking…in the Pacific Northwest. Parker’s first sleepover with Mimi and Pap. My first girls’ trip with my friends. And so many other little moments that were true blessings. SO many highlights. I have so many things to be thankful for in this life. But the year was not all highlights. There were some really hard times. Some challenges that I never dreamed we would face. But still in it all, I have so much to be thankful for. Trying to remember all of it today as I process all of the memories of the year.

This time of year is so hard for me. For some reason it always has been. This is a very unpopular opinion, but Christmas is just not “the most wonderful time of the year” for me (and many others). Today I am trying not to let myself slip into the sadness that slowly tries to envelope me. The quiet, stillness of the day is making that a challenge. Facing the sadness – when I’m supposed to be happy – is not really what I want to do today, but I know that it really is an exercise in wellness…to acknowledge the feelings and to process them. So…what do I do in the quiet moments. Find joy. Find the things that bring me joy and remind me of what fuels me. One of those things is writing. Writing to process. Writing to heal. Writing to feel joy.

When I opened up my blog site to do that very thing, I was hit with the fact that my last blog post was over 10 months ago! I am sad and embarrassed by that fact. Writing and sharing is a big part of who I am – and I have lost that for nearly a year. I think back to all of the things that I could have shared over the past year, and yet I didn’t. I guess I need to figure out the why in that today. Looking back through all of my blog posts, it seems that I have several out there that start with “It’s been a long time since my last post…” or something to that effect. I’m trying to give myself grace and not be too hard on myself. Trying. I think that sometimes I am afraid to write about the reality of my world. Sometimes, even though I know it would be therapeutic, I don’t share because it’s hard. It’s not pretty. It’s scary to think of being judged. But I have always aimed for this blog to be authentically me. I want to be real and write about real things – for myself. So here we go. I am going to resolve to share ALL of the things over the next year. And maybe even look back on 2024 and share the good and the bad. And in the meantime, I am going to practice being still.

Thanks for letting me ramble and reclaim some of the joy that writing brings me. Much love.